Time's running out

Good deal if you're in the market.

You think his 14 illegitimate kids get free action figures of their dad?

After the recent discussion of former Seahawks running back Chris Warren, I looked at the Wikipedia page for him and liked this little nugget:

"Warren, who is now employed by United Parcel Service, has had some legal difficulties since his retirement from football."

(Note: Check out the recommended ages for playing with the action figure at the top left.)

Almost a roundhouse kick to the face

For my first post, in the spirit of Chuck Norris, here's some facts for anyone who's seen "24."

To wit:

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

I don't think she needs a bodyguard anymore.

From this------------------------> To this

She looks like the alien truck driver from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure."

Now Levar Burton will be mine!

Hell fucking YEAH.
Check out this new badass computer glasses. As if nerds didn't get enough shit already.

Wish I could claim this one

I would get this but I'm too scared

"Free autographed football, cannot make out the name but he must have been one of the greats, because his spirit is attached to this ball and it has put three grown-ass men in the hospital. Reply now, and I'll throw in a cool santa cookie tin complete with crumbs."
Get your haunted autographed football (with festive Christmas tin) here.

Momconrads knows best

'I started to put the gun down until I saw his face still had a frown'

R. Kelly performs "Trapped in the Closet" at the VMAs. By his goddamned self.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

So this might be the grossest thing I've ever seen. I'm already deathly afraid of sea life, but look at the size of that jellyfish. Here's the story. I'm seriously shivering right now.

K Fed's Album Cover

I love the sponge tattoo.

Some guys have all the luck

So yeah, Isaac Mizrahi is super gay. But that's still gotta be fun times, even for someone who's not getting a happy feeling from getting a sweet caress of Scarlett's lovely lady lumps.

Oh and there's a video here.

Drew-py

I used to think Drew Barrymore was like a little saggy, even when she was supposedly hot. But now i know she's a LOT saggy. She could definitely use a little scaffolding of some sort.

News from the Eastern Front

This is from a good friend of mine, one of the original invitees, who declines to be named. He is currently traveling Europe and sending me (and others) biweekly updates of his European trips that are often way better than fiction. I invited him onto this thing because he has a way with words. Part of his response:

"TJ, I was thinking how I could reconcile my other writing (a book that won't get published, plus a screenplay that won't get filmed) with this blog idea, which I think is a good one. With reporting and writing this garbage on the side, I'm spending 14 hours per day in front of a computer -- way more than even my masturbation heyday."

So that's him. And just so it doesn't hurt his chance at getting his book published, I have agreed to post his stuff under a fake name.

"You can come up with the name," he writes, "although I'm partial to Harry Balzahnya."

So, Harry, welcome. And here goes:


Tomorrow I travel two hours by train to a village of 290 people with running water, but no electricity to meet a gardener who built his entire house out of hemp and is battling the government to give him a building permit while simultaneously touting his hemp house as a cure for the homeless crisis in the Czech Republic. Such episodes have summarized the last three weeks for me.

Last weekend my special ladyfriend and I traveled to Budapest. Since the train ride was eight hours, we decided to take the overnight . It started out seeming to be the best idea ever -- the train was basically empty and we knew we would have a full day ahead of us when we arrived. We traveled in a group of 13 English teachers we know because the group tickets were half price. As the night wore on, my special ladyfriend wandered off to find her own compartment to pass out in. I was busy reading War & Peace (I'm told it's time) and didn't notice that everyone else trickled off too. The next time I looked up, I was alone in the compartment with Joe, some Canadian I don't know very well. What I do know is not good. He looks (and talks) like Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights. The teachers all call him Shirtless Joe because, as he is quoted as saying, "Clothes are itchy." Forget that it is a harsh winter in Eastern Europe; to Joe it feels like a light summer in the Maldives.

He begins telling me about this really cool book he's reading about the history of the sun, and it's written by this really cool guy who has this really cool way of explaining all of these really cool scientific ideas and tying them together in this really cool way and the whole thing is cool. Really. But he's tired of reading and wants to get high. Now the Czech Republic has lax laws about weed, but we're in Slovakia at this point and I forgot to pack my copy of the Slovak Penal Code, so I talk him out of it. Not only do I win that battle, but I also manage to fall asleep on the bench opposite him with both of us fully clothed. Next thing I know, I am awake. I smell the soft wafting of vanilla, but since I am blind as a bat without my contact lenses, I can't see a thing. I hear the voice of this Armenian-Lebanese girl I know calling my name. Immediately I'm thinking with my special ladyfriend asleep in another compartment that this is my chance to check two nationalities off of my list in one swoop. But no, she tells us that some guy just went through her bag while she was asleep and later he took Alex's wallet out of his front pocket and do we have all of our stuff? I immediately know that I do, because I always keep my wallet in a very uncomfortable place. Joe checks the pocket of his shirt, which he is now not wearing and crumpled on the floor, and his is there too. I pass back out. Next thing I know, I am awake. I smell the pungent odor of vodka fart. I hear Joe yell, "Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you?" I get up and follow the smell and Joe has some huge Hungarian guy by his coat. "What's going on?" I ask. "This guy was going through my shit!" The compartment smells of mildew and alcohol. "Friend, I am friend. You have friend. Me. I am." I can feel my wallet. I can see the blurry outline of two guys in the corridor shifting from one foot to the other. "Do you have everything?" I ask. Joe lets the guy go and looks down at his stuff strewn in the compartment. "Everything that's important." We look up and everyone is gone. I'm not broken up about that, because the last thing I want is a scrum with some Hungarian thieves who have us outnumbered simply because Shirtless Joe is missing his favorite pipe. I would rather keep my scars emotional. Call me a pussy and you'd be on to something. I hurried to check on my special ladyfriend and she was asleep, completely unharmed.

The next night, Alex and I are in a bar in Budapest and I fall into conversation with a religious pilgrim on his way to Occupied Palestine. The three of us start drinking heavily and chatting about everything except that obese war criminal who just had a stroke the week before. After about an hour, in walk these four gorgeous women in matching red tube tops and hot pants with the logos of a cigarette company brandished in noticeable locations. They start giving out cigarettes, cheap lighters and painful erections to everyone in the bar. After a few minutes, the pilgrim makes eye contact with one. "Hey," he says. She slides by. A few minutes go by and so does another one. "How's it going?" he says. She scoffs. A few minutes go by and so does another. "How are you doing tonight?" he says. This one gives the cold shoulder. A few more minutes tick off of my sad, sad life. The last woman walks by. "Do you have any cigarettes for me?" he asks. She gives him the elevator eyes -- top floor to bottom floor -- and in broken English says, "For you, no." The pilgrim spent the rest of the night calling the women "bitches" who "weren't even that hot anyway."


Budapest is very rough around the edges, unlike Vienna, which looks pristine but fragile. My special ladyfriend and I went there two weekends before and I was pleased to see "Falco meets Amadeus" posters all over the city (see attached). I don't know what it was all about since they are both dead, but any day with Falco consistently in your line of sight has to be considered a good one.

Inexplicably, dozens and dozens of street vendors were setting up booths with literally thousands of little toy pigs -- girl pigs lifting up their skirts, guy pigs holding their pork, but mostly copulating pig couples (see attached) in various gravity defying positions. I know you are thinking what I was thinking: "How can she bend her legs like that when pigs don't even have knee joints? Did she choose to wear her high heels and nothing else or did he pressure her into it? And why is he staring directly at me no matter where I stand?" I wanted to ask one of the vendors what was up, but my special ladyfriend thought I would be playing the dumb tourist role. I looked for an answer on the internet, but doing a Google search for "copulating pigs" garners you some undesired results. I've asked everyone I know in the Czech Republic and the best explanation I've received is, "In Austria, pigs are considered good luck." I fail to see a direct link, but okay.

The best thing about Vienna, from my 36-hour snap judgment, is the reserved seating on the trams (see attached). I know it says something in German, but look closely at the images and they say, "Do not sit in these seats unless you are:

1. A pregnant Oompa-Loompa
2. An Oompa-Loompa with a stolen child
3. Frankie Goes to Hollywood, or
4. The Monopoly Guy.

Until then . . .
Harry Balzahnya

Kidz Bop 3 million

Scientists in Ireland may have found the country's most fertile male, with more than 3 million men worldwide among his offspring.
The scientists, from Trinity College Dublin, have discovered that as many as one in twelve Irish men could be descended from Niall of the Nine Hostages, a 5th-century warlord who was head of the most powerful dynasty in ancient Ireland.

The American scientists also announced our big winner. Not suprisingly, it was Shawn Kemp.

Check the rhyme, y'all

From a list of products that were reviewed most positively by Amazon.com customers in 2005:
Music: The Low End Theory by A Tribe Called Quest

Orange crush

Since Skillz was talking about seeing Carrot Top in person, I just wanted to warn you... don't step to him wrong. He will break you like Drago.

Phew...This makes me feel a little better about the whole "war" thing.

Check up on it

Laura Bush let em check up on it, watch it while he check up on it.

For real

I actually thought this was a pretty good headline from the Las Vegas Sun, even though the opinion it represents is bullshit:

Give him props: Carrot Top still delivers

Mr. T Facts

(tried to add a picture of Mr. T himself, but this thing won't let me. )

1. Mr. T heard the saying, "You can't spit on Superman's cape." He decided to try it, but Superman told him the cape was still in the wash from the day before when Mr. T wiped his ass with it.
2. When Mr.T kills someone, he eats their soul first.
Before Mr.T was born there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.
3. Mr. T once entered a Hot Dog eating contest. He ate a record 93 hot dogs, a 72 oz. steak, two pedestrians, a streetlamp, and a judge who called him "that guy from the A-Team".
4. When asked for his thoughts on vegetarians, Mr. T said: “If god didn’t want us to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them out of meat…Fool.”

5. One night Mr. T took a 10 p.m. train home. He still refuses to give it back.

6. Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

7. Objects with more mass have more gravity. Consequently, most of the universe is attracted to Mr. T's chains. However, they are kept in equilibrium due to the fact that Mr. T scares the crap out of anything coming too close.

8. Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools.
9. Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

10. Mr. T is hung like a 8 year old. No, seriously... his penis is the size of a small boy.

11. The last time Mr. T cried, it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Then to make himself feel better, he ate 2 of every animal.

12. The T virus in Resident Evil is based on what happens to a person when they are exposed overwhelming amounts of pity inflicted by Mr. T. There is currently no cure.

13.Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

14. He who disagrees with Mr. T in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with Mr. T in public, call him an ambulance.

15. God was able to create the world in seven days only because he had the aid of Mr. T, a blow torch, and a musical montage.

16. Mr. T was almost involved in a second car crash. To avoid the crash, he folded his arms and slowly shook his head. The car decided it was safer to avoid Mr. T.

17. When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

18. Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

19. The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

20. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

21. When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

22. Mr. T walked in front of a speeding bus. Needless to say, he was charged with 7 counts of manslaughter.

23. When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

24. Someone once suggested that Mr. T's first name is Pit. His body was found 10 seconds later. The police concluded that he committed suicide by stabbing himself with a Mohawk 389 times, choking himself with a gold chain and by eating both of his own legs.

25. Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Eerie. And gross.

I'm not making this up: I've been spending the whole afternoon loading all my old CDs onto my MP3 player, and I found R. Kelly's "Chocolate Factory" -- and it has a brown substance stuck to it. I'm creeped out as all hell right now. I think the R. Kelly fairy came to my apartment sometime in the past year and spread his sweet good will on my third-favorite R. Kelly CD ever.

'They have red hair. And the same kind of nose'

CNN has a pretty funny story about Conan O'Brien endorsing the president of Finland in her upcoming re-election bid because "she's got the total package: a dynamic personality, a quick mind and, most importantly, my good looks."

Here's the link.

Be vigilant

A friend forwarded this to me from their office, where a security alert was issued for the employees to be on the lookout for this character:

Suspect's Description:
White male, approximately mid thirties
Height - Between 5'9 & 5'10
Attire - Blue shirt, blue dress pants, and brown dress shoes.
Note: Suspect has some distinguishing characteristic, such as Brown or red hair, mustache, freckles, and gray hair.

So just be on the lookout for that white guy with the blue shirt and pants and the brown or red hair and grey hair (freckles?), and the world will be a safer place.

Gleaming the cube

I didn't even know they still made Rubik's Cubes. Much less that people spent lots of free time trying to, like, solve them or whatever you call it. Then I read this:

A 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student set a new world's record Saturday for solving the popular Rubik's Cube puzzle, turning the tiled brain-twister from scrambled to solved in 11.13 seconds.

There's lots of good stuff in the story about the contest, as well as this totally unnecessary record-setting feat.

Nice hat, Weaver

This is Matt Weaver, who worked at The Daily Evergreen when I was in school. He wrote a column about his quest to get his mom to make him the most annoyingly bright hat in the universe. As you can tell, he succeeded.

They don't even have sticks!

My kid is six. He's funny and stuff. But he's also a dumbass. OK, that's not true. That's just for shock value for funny comedy. But anyway, he said he wanted these things and then when we got home he said, "I forgot. I don't like those." So I'm willing to let 'em go, cheap. Holla.*

*I'm too lazy to mail them, so this is pretty much just directed at Travis.

Kissass